fight club

You've met me at a very strange time in my life.


For the first time in months
I've got something to look forward to


-kck

your head'll collapse

There's at least five different medications flowing through my bloodstream right now. I don't even feel myself. I'm here at school, but I'm not actually here. Colors are duller. Movements are slower. What may be heard as shouts to others are just whispers to me.The whole class is in the studio right now. I'm sitting behind this computer screen.
Something isn't right.








Where is my mind?

eat, sleep, repeat

I'm trying so, so hard not to fall for you again.

It's difficult, but entirely possible. I'm not going to let myself get attached, therefore I'm not letting myself get played.

Cause your words hit like a train
and I can't ignore it
This moment could be our last
You fall in love and I'm running after
You move way too fast

But don't slow down
And don't let go
Hold me close now, lest I fall
They say I don't know how to
love the right way
But you make me feel, you
make me feel like I do

Hopeless, no. But at least I've given up fighting for you.

The result, however, is me; alone again.

-casey

they jokingly nicknamed it the porridge

While I'm waiting on this video to finally upload, I'll update this thing.


I'm taking into account, the things that are important to me. There's an order we use, subconsciously and consciously, and we arrange things according to importance to us. My list is...barren.

The most important thing to me is feeling important to not only a girlfriend or boyfriend, but to myself.

And I've learned that you can't seek for that importance in the amount of friends you have, the kind of clothes you wear, the kind of car you drive, or false hopes of acceptance.

So starting now, these days are mine. The things that make me happy and feel important to myself will be the main focus. Life is TOO SHORT to stress. I don't want to waste "the best years of my life" wondering if things could have been better. I'm going to kill brain cells, listen to shitty music, drink all the soda and eat all the candy I want, and not care if you and your morals disagree.

now i'm going to the park to play guitar with brody.

-casey

you went away

"There's more to life

than love

and being

together"

if hans christian anderson could've had his way with me...

...then none of this shit would have ever gone down.

Ah, regina. You're missed, girl...


Change. It's something that I've battled my whole life. Why? Is it the thought of trying something new and not being good at it? Is it that big of deal that every outcome needs to be positive and beneficial in some way? Why couldn't I just try something to experience it? It was a never-ending dilemma that capsized any kind of ideal progression in my life.

Now all of a sudden, change is everywhere. At the start of last year, no one knew who I was. It wasn't a big deal. I didn't even notice, really. I had my friends at school and my friends at home. Life was....bland, to say the least. I had nothing to really look forward to but maybe the occasional Friday night, hanging out with the same faces. I love my friends, don't get me wrong. But the same faces seemed to justify my desperate need for something new.

When I started working at Jersey Mikes, about a year ago, the process began. I remember Megan telling me one night, "You're starting to really come out of your shell, Casey.". (Actually there's a previous blog about this somewhere on here...) That statement alone is probably what triggered the thoughts and feelings of oppression and desire.

There's so much going on this year. Every minute it seems like something is about to happen. It's a certainty that used to be frightening, but now is anticipated. I like where I'm at right now in life.

This year, I've come to a conclusion about many things.

• My parents will probably never accept the decisions I make in life.
• Christina, my older sister, will always be there for me and vise versa.
• I'm not good at comforting when comforting is not needed. This makes me seem cold, but it is what it is. Sometimes you've just got to suck it up and accept things.
• Everyone needs to spend time by their self every once in a while, but not do something that is about yourself. Disconnect from the world for a while. (i.e. read a book, surf the web, cook something, etc.)
• First impressions are important, but don't overdo things or be rude. People recognize sarcasm and judgments easily, so always have an open mind when meeting new people.
• If you hurt someone, always apologize. If you know you hurt someone in any way and don't care, that's unacceptable. There's too much hatred in the world to think you're "better than that" and to not take that second to stitch whatever small wound you may have just caused.
• If it feels wrong, it's probably wrong. If it feels awkward, it's probably awkward. If people seemed creeped out, they're probably creeped out. If it acts like a dog.....you get it.
• Don't let others walk all over you. They'll get the best of you and you'll end up just as miserable as them. Stand up when you need to. If anything, it'll show respect for yourself.
• Don't force things. If you forced a screw into a hole, it would strip the inside. It would be ruined permanently.
• Enjoy the simple things in life and don't waste time worrying.
• Sleep, but don't oversleep. Get enough to make it through the day. There's so much to experience and our lives are too short to miss a second.

Do you know how capable man is? We have the power to do anything. Do NOT let your mind become your greatest fear.

on the way down

It's a silly time to learn to swim on the way down.