you went away

"There's more to life

than love

and being

together"

if hans christian anderson could've had his way with me...

...then none of this shit would have ever gone down.

Ah, regina. You're missed, girl...


Change. It's something that I've battled my whole life. Why? Is it the thought of trying something new and not being good at it? Is it that big of deal that every outcome needs to be positive and beneficial in some way? Why couldn't I just try something to experience it? It was a never-ending dilemma that capsized any kind of ideal progression in my life.

Now all of a sudden, change is everywhere. At the start of last year, no one knew who I was. It wasn't a big deal. I didn't even notice, really. I had my friends at school and my friends at home. Life was....bland, to say the least. I had nothing to really look forward to but maybe the occasional Friday night, hanging out with the same faces. I love my friends, don't get me wrong. But the same faces seemed to justify my desperate need for something new.

When I started working at Jersey Mikes, about a year ago, the process began. I remember Megan telling me one night, "You're starting to really come out of your shell, Casey.". (Actually there's a previous blog about this somewhere on here...) That statement alone is probably what triggered the thoughts and feelings of oppression and desire.

There's so much going on this year. Every minute it seems like something is about to happen. It's a certainty that used to be frightening, but now is anticipated. I like where I'm at right now in life.

This year, I've come to a conclusion about many things.

• My parents will probably never accept the decisions I make in life.
• Christina, my older sister, will always be there for me and vise versa.
• I'm not good at comforting when comforting is not needed. This makes me seem cold, but it is what it is. Sometimes you've just got to suck it up and accept things.
• Everyone needs to spend time by their self every once in a while, but not do something that is about yourself. Disconnect from the world for a while. (i.e. read a book, surf the web, cook something, etc.)
• First impressions are important, but don't overdo things or be rude. People recognize sarcasm and judgments easily, so always have an open mind when meeting new people.
• If you hurt someone, always apologize. If you know you hurt someone in any way and don't care, that's unacceptable. There's too much hatred in the world to think you're "better than that" and to not take that second to stitch whatever small wound you may have just caused.
• If it feels wrong, it's probably wrong. If it feels awkward, it's probably awkward. If people seemed creeped out, they're probably creeped out. If it acts like a dog.....you get it.
• Don't let others walk all over you. They'll get the best of you and you'll end up just as miserable as them. Stand up when you need to. If anything, it'll show respect for yourself.
• Don't force things. If you forced a screw into a hole, it would strip the inside. It would be ruined permanently.
• Enjoy the simple things in life and don't waste time worrying.
• Sleep, but don't oversleep. Get enough to make it through the day. There's so much to experience and our lives are too short to miss a second.

Do you know how capable man is? We have the power to do anything. Do NOT let your mind become your greatest fear.

on the way down

It's a silly time to learn to swim on the way down.

breathe that old familiar smell

11/11/08

Maybe, you'll be something I'm good at.

:)


fingers crossed.

born this way, die this way

things are better. i'm proud of you and so glad we're friends. i love you katie

p.s. - if that picture of tegan doesn't turn you on even a little, you're a prude

laugh with me, shout, scream

end of the weak week

blog rants generally aren't my thing, but tonights a special occasion:


i have the ability to think. i have the ability to comprehend. i have the ability to listen. but i do not have the ability to let you think for me. especially trivial things like this.

i'm not you.

and i'm not an idiot, either. i know when to stop.

also,

you know me. i'm NOT going to fake it up and do things to make people like me. i never said i wasn't going to try new things. EVER. it's not even a big deal.



tonight i was going to try and spend time with this one girl...but no. you got mad about the alcohol. you wouldn't speak to me, except for the occasional "you know i'm mad at you, right? hope you're having funnnnn". if you don't think that automatically puts me in a weird spot, you're crazy. i couldn't spend time with the person i really wanted to because i KNEW that you were disappointed and disgusted by me. why do you do that? do you like knowing that you've made things harder for someone else? that doesn't make any sense...


i know you say it's not preaching...but it is. you're not necassarily "preaching the edge", but you're preaching your opinion. and there's a difference between a "moral" opinion, and a "forced" opinion. yours was terribly forced. you didn't want to do something, so you made me feel bad for doing it. that makes no sense and is so selfish.

i can't talk to you
your emotions cloud every bit of integrity you've got left
and i can't voice my opinion without it being turned around
and made to be something I did to hurt YOU personally.
that was never what this was about

i think for myself
i've got plans in my head constantly. that's how i work. plans plans plans
and my plans for tonight were totally fucked up.

watch me sink

A breaking in spirit, a breaking in promise, a breaking in me
how can i find the peace inside me, in a world i can see....
thats taking and taking all for ourselves, taking and taking
and its dragging me down, deeper and deeper
watch me sink like a stone
in a sea of selfishness,
where me is more and you is less

the vanity, it becomes insanity.
we eat the shit that's fed to us.
we stomach it, and we embellish it,
and we confuse our love with lust.
cant we find another way?
the way that goes against the grain.
Abstain, The Grain.
abstain, abstain, abstain, abstain
THE GRAIN

the ugliness, licentiousness,
the love that is just skin deep
PLEASE GET ME OUT
before i become just a memory of what i used to be
GET ME THE FUCK OUT

we're deaf and blind to a age's cry
we refuse to fucking hear.
not learning to grow, just losing the one
i used to see in the fucking mirror

the egoists, the narcissists
the shallow waters wade in
PLEASE GET ME OUT

before i become just a memory
of what i used to be
GET ME THE FUCK OUT

of a world thats doing its best, night and day,
to make me everybody else

please take me out...
of a world without any heart
take me out
when they see my hope and rip it apart
take me out
of a world we built to serve our selfish-fucking-selves,
can you tell me
where does love fit in?

remember what love is?

can i keep this pen?

:)


i bought some sweat pants tonight. i'm wearing them now, while downloading the Mickey Avalon cd....


also today was my last day at Jersey Mikes. I'm going to miss all of them...not the job though. The job is terrible


today was really, really good....really good.

i've got an appointment with the eye doctors at 10:30 am tomorrow to get some new glasses/contacts.

the heavyheavylowlow show was...well....an experience. I've never seen a lead singer so trashed before. HORSE the band, however, was fabulous.


i need a shower

-casey

i keep my distance 'cause the complications cloud it all

i can't express to you,



how excited i am,



and how nervous i am,



and how pathetic and awesome all of this is at the same time,




I LOVE IT!

how'd you learn to cry on demand?

I can't remember who told me about this song....maybe rawin?

Anywho, it's beautiful.

Cry on Demand - Ryan Adams



oh well, back to feeling sorry for myself..


hahaha jk


but seriously.

-casey

i feel like i'm coming home

I always name the titles of the blogs after the song i'm listening to when it's written. Currently, it's Better Days, by Bruce Springsteen

? days until i get my new glasses/contacts
9 days until HeavyHeavyLowLow
29 days until Tegan and Sara
33 days until I get my hair cut



i still need to make an appointment with the eye doctor. the new glasses will look something like this (hopefully)

through the front door

It's disgusting how excited I am about getting my hair cut. :)

Katie and I made a video cast. It'll be uploaded soon. I need to cut some shit out, add some shit in, and take a nap before it is ready. Yes, napping is required.

I worked a double today. shoot me


aaaaannndddddd here's the love(s) of my life

northern state

Suckamothafucks in automobiles
Neon light underneath your monster truck wheels
With your chain link light up vanity plate
You need a spoiler so big just to get a date
Got the kids in the back and you're sipping on a coors
With your pro-life sticker like the choice is yours
And if we want to know who you voted for
You got Bush on your bumper and a baby on board
You got a brand new car should have bought the hybrid
Cause you could afford it and I wish that I did
Change your mind and all that you stand for
Put a llama in your life and bring back Al Gore
Suckamothafuckas in SUVs
Driving around the block just smoking trees
Misinforming so alarming- don't believe in global warming?




and can i just say i love the word north/northern?

idk why....

i wouldn't trade it for the world

I'm in the library with Katie. Both of us have test tomorrow and we're trying to cram right before them, you know, what we're best at.


I'm working 11-close two days in a row this weekend. Bye, social life, bye.

Ms. Foushee called me a film maker in the making yesterday. It was awesome.

I'm going to upload a picture of my haircut design. I drew it today but am no where near a scanner right now. I'm excited about it. REALLY excited.

i'm through

c-a-s-e-y.

baby if i do

i hate hair.


can't wait to cut all of it off.

right, tegan?



that's right..

mmmmteganmmm

the glove compartment

we had fun.
and i'm going to miss you so much

i love you hannah

i'll see you soon,

count on it.

for real....fake bitch

"listen up you stupid girls, not only at my school, but also at every other show i go to. YOU are ruining the scene. your NOT making it stronger but making it weaker and making it look stupid. thats NOT what its about too, you need to just stop. i hate every single one of you fake bitches and you need to be taught a lesson. just because you fucking “dress” like you might listen to that band thats on your t-shirt dosnt mean your “cool” and im not going to be intimidated by you just because i think you listen to good music. I know i should accept the fact that punk hardcore straight edge postivecore, ect… music is being opened to new individuals, but this has gone to far. im going to be negative on this issue because those girls are making it look dumb. GOD… i mean honestly…why do you little girls have to be so stupid. just go back to listening to your radio edit pop and wearing your vera bradly purses and you keep on putting that black liner on, just because you can thicken your liner doesn’t mean you know how to have a intelligent conversation about music. so stop and shut the hell up before i have to shut you up. and if you dont stop i will kill you. i will wrap your fake-torn-hot topic-bought-against me! t-shirt around that skinny little neck of yours and make you name a song that they sing and when you finally admit that you dont know and that your scum and FAKE i will twist that fake-tan neck of yours and watch you die. I HATE YOU. and the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus IS NOT A BAND. listen to the fucking lyrics."


-katie mullins


she's absolutly right. thanks for being THAT girl at school N_t_....idiot....skank....fucking skanks

i can't see you in the light

My phone is still broken. Apparently, there's a $50 deductable for the insurance. Gay. Gay. Gay.

Tegan and Sara are basically taking over my life. Don't worry, regina. You're still number 1.

Speaking of, the McCarren park pool show....dude....(s)....there's not even words to describe how much fun it must have been for everyone. All i can say is i'm glad everyone had such a great time and you all deserve it. It makes me happy when you guys are that happy, for real :)

School's not that bad this year...


I applied to Georgia State today. :)!

-casey was here, casey was here, yeah.

a different situation, a different situation

Video/TV Broadcasting has the potential to be the funnest class I've ever taken.

COMMUNICATION: The teacher stresses this word like you would not believe. She tells us how important it is to make friends with everyone in the "business", even the custodians who work at the studio. You don't know what kind of relationship they have with the president/director of the company. She's going to be so helpful, I can already tell.

I'm gathering ideas for a documentary on tattoos and it's influences and effects on youth today. I have a friend that is getting 3 tattoos on October 4th. She's already got two, but in a couple of months, two will become 5. She will be 18. I'll be interviewing her on camera and HOPEFULLY filming some of the tattoo process. Also, I'm going to try and get a short interview with the tattoo artist.

The friend with the tattoos (she will remain nameless until the film is out) said it would be cool to ask Tegan and Sara some questions if we get to meet them after the show. What a great idea, eh? But what to ask....hmm. It can't be more than a few seconds though. It would be a stretch, but having them in the first film would be such a great way to begin my demo reel, you know?

Anywho, this isn't even a for-sure thing. I just want to let everyone know what's going on besides SCHOOL. Fast Fact, GHS, school isn't the only important thing to us.


The McCarren Park Pool show is tomorrow, for all you regina fans. There's like 15 brumstix'ers going to it. Have fun, be safe, keep it real, represent the stix well, etc., etc..


-casey

monday monday monday

this whole "bet" is taking it's toll on me.

i know, it sounds pathetic.

but it's making me think about something that would be uncomfortable to talk about with others.

the kind of things that make you question who you really are and how a untouchable, sky-rocketing libido will and can affect you.

i won't say what i'm talking about...which means this blog was pointless.

until next time!
-casey

p.s.- school started. it's not that bad and video broadcasting is exciting me like you would not believe.

twa sisters

September 30.



ahhhhhhh!

I'm heavy handed, to say the least.

<- i miss that

So around 10:45 this morning, my sister wakes me up.

Carrie: "Casey, someone's knocking on the door but I don't see a car outside."

Me: (still half-asleep) "Answer it?"

Carrie: "Well I don't want to because I'm still in PJ's,"

Me: "Hmm, well go back to bed or something, don't worry about it."

*we hear rustling and walking inside the house*

Carrie: "Did you hear that?"

Me: "Yeah i did, shhh"

So we got up, locked the door to the room, and called our dad. He told us to listen for a little bit longer and if we hear something again then to open the door and say, "I have a gun and you better get the FUCK out of my house before I call the police."

We didn't hear anything again, so we decided to do a walk-thru of the house. Lol, soooo I go straight my dads gun locker and get the shotgun (i have no idea how to use it) and walk around the house in my PJ's with a shotgun.

r.e.d.n.e.c.k.

but I felt safe. NOTE TO SELF: Hide BB gun under my bed. hehehe :)

anywho, it was the neighbors. We let them borrow our bikes and they just put them outside the front door. I swear it sounded like the wood floors in our living room were squeaking. We're not crazy.

got my tegan and sara tickets. things are on the up and up

-casey

it was a funny little thing

We sailed away on a winter's day
with fate as malleable as clay;
but ships are fallible, I say,
and the nautical, like all things, fades

And I can recall our caravel:
a little wicker beetle shell
with four fine maste and lateen sails,
its bearings on Cair Paravel

O my love,
O it was a funny little thing
to be the ones to've seen.

The sight of bridges and balloons
makes calm canaries irritable;
they caw and claw all afternoon:
"Catenaries and dirigibles
brace and buoy the living-room --
a loom of metal, warp - woof - wimble."
And a thimbles worth of milky moon
can touch hearts larger than a thimble.

O my love,
O is was a funny little thing
to be the ones to've seen



Listen to that if you want to feel your heart melt.

[Joanna Newsom - Bridges and Balloons]

the book of right-on

Joanna Newsom. She's brilliant, but too often overlooked and prejudged.

I've been uhhh "legally purchasing" tons of albums recently. WHICH MEANS I'll probably buy some sort of mp3 player. Probably a Zune, because itunes is messed up on my computer.

I have a dentist appointment at 10:40. The thing is, I don't know if it's just a cleaning or if my cavities are getting filled. I wish the latter.

School starts in 2 weeks. Summer has gone by so fast... i don't like that

My stomach is screammmingg for some breakfast. i'll take care of that...


-f.c.p.c.a.s.e.y.r.e.m.i.x.

temptations

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

are you there coffee? it's me, casey

damnit i'm beat. my shoulders hurt...wtf! i did nothing that required intense shoulder gyration today.

hmm

have you ever eaten a toasted pb&j? i just ate another one...they're so good. i mean, the melted peanut butter? almost as good as regina's orga.....nevermind

fresh to death,
casey

two ninenty nine

i'm bored. my hands have literally been resting on this keyboard for over an hour.


i wish something would happen


oh and by the way, DOING THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU LOOK TOUGH, YOU LOOK RETARDED.

someone help me

-kc

i got this shit on lock

i'm going to start saving my money

you know, practicing managing my money (like i manage my slaves)

hey, i've got a lot to learn between now and next year. atlanta is only a little over a year away.

but i'm eager to learn this time around

i got this shit on lock

-KITSCHens

another post about regina

SHE PLAYED FOLDING CHAIR LAST NIGHT!

alright so check it, she hasn't played that song since (to my knowledge) since the Barfly show in 2004. Not that that's not impressive enough, but a girl from brümstix who calls herself 'foldingchair' was there. How cool is that right? Damn...

i can't wait for a video to surface.

In other news, it's senior picture day. I'm having hair trouble. ughhh

my IQ

when I was four years old
they tried to test my I.Q.
they showed me a picture
of 3 oranges and a pear
they said,
which one is different?
it does not belong
they taught me different is wrong
but when I was 13 years old
I woke up one morning
thighs covered in blood
like a war
like a warning
that I live in a breakable takeable body
an ever-increasingly valuable body
that a woman had come in the night to replace me
deface me
see,
my body is borrowed
yeah, I got it on loan
for the time in between my mom and some maggots
I don't need anyone to hold me
I can hold my own
I got highways for stretchmarks
see where I've grown
I sing sometimes
like my life is at stake
'cause you're only as loud
as the noises you make
I'm learning to laugh as hard
as I can listen
'cause silence
is violence
in women and poor people
if more people were screaming then I could relax
but a good brain ain't diddley
if you don't have the facts
we live in a breakable takeable world
an ever available possible world
and we can make music
like we can make do
genius is in a back beat
backseat to nothing if you're dancing
especially something stupid
like I.Q.
for every lie I unlearn
I learn something new
I sing sometimes for the war that I fight
'cause every tool is a weapon -
if you hold it right.

i feel it all

I feel it all I feel it all
I feel it all I feel it all
The wings are wide the wings are wide
Wild card inside wild card inside

Oh I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one to hold the gun

I know more than I knew before
I know more than I knew before
I didn't rest I didn't stop
Did we fight or did we talk

Oh I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one to hold the gun

I love you more
I love you more
I don't know what I knew before
But now I know I wanna win the war

No one likes to take a test
Sometimes you know more is less
Put your weight against the door
Kick drum on the basement floor
Stranded in a fog of words
Loved him like a winter bird
On my head the water pours
Gulf stream through the open door
Fly away
Fly away to what you want to make

I feel it all, I feel it all
I feel it all I feel it all
The wings are wide, the wings are wide
Wild card inside, wild card inside

Oh I'll be the one to break my heart
I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll end it thought you started it

The truth lies
The truth lied
And lies divide
Lies divide

lesson learned, friends.

the heart of the matter

hi, i'm icarus and i'm falling

hey rawin, i forgot to post this, but you're in it

for real real? not for play play?

I love brumstix!


hopefully we can get together and hang out in Atlanta this summer, Rawin, Katy, and I.

thank U, alanis

How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping

to build a fire

summer started a little over a week ago

it's been good so far. A few days ago i was slipping on my first pair of shorts since last august probably and that's when it hit me :)

i got "promoted" i guess you could say, to a closing manager. It's going to increase my pay (thank God) and will give me more responsibility.

my body is physically tired, though. Tonight i'm at home at night for the first time in what...6 days? It's necessary.

later,
-casey

oh baby baby it's all about the moon

"Today we're younger than we're ever gonna be"


Words to go by on the last day of school

the meaning of expensive taste

The last day of school is tomorrow :-)


I really don't have much more to write...

hey how much for that back of a head, man

I didn't go to school today.

It's pointless, really. All we're doing in almost every class is either watching a movie, having a party, or "reviewing" for finals.

I use quotations, because "reviewing" means the teacher is going to hand out a worksheet, tell us to do it, and then go get on their computers.

Finals are going to be a breeze, anyway. Who's worried? Not me..

So get this. I went to fill up my tank this morning at Chevron and the fucking nozzle to the gas pump was loose, unbeknown to me. Long story short, gas was all over my leg...It STANK.

You would go home too, right? Thank God for parking passes...

picking up carrie around 1:50, then going to work tonight.

-casey

I was blue and unwell

Summer is taking a long time to get here.

And we were galloping manic
to the mouth of the source
we were swallowing panic
in the face of its force

Joanna Newsom is growing on me.

I haven't read a new book in ages....




oh well. Off to work..

-casey

interacting more with the world rather than just using it

I decided not to quit. There's more reasons to stay than to leave, therefor, I'll stay.

School's out in 8 days. exciting

my allergies are kicking in again...swollen eyes and sneezing? yep...

i'll leave you with this picture

oprah's va-jay-jay

Today started off abruptly at 7:00 AM when my dad slammed into my room and screamed, "Casey, CLEAN OUT YOUR CAR RIGHT NOW! I HAVE TO DRIVE IT TODAY!"

So 7:00 AM this morning I was outside with a garbage bag and a vacuum. He could have just asked nicely and I wouldn't be so bitter about it...

TONIGHT: regina spektor is going to be in Atlantic City! A few friends from the stix will be there and will probably all meet up, which is REALLY fun. I hope someone records the show, I'd really like to hear what she's been working on...Oh wow. By saying that I just realized she might play something new...You can't see it now, but I'm shaking with excitement.

Megan told our boss that she's quitting yesterday. I'm really proud of her, because it must have been difficult. They LOVE her there. She's been there for 11 months, you know? Anyway, I can't figure out a way to quit...Maybe as soon as another job offer comes, I can just tell Todd I got offered another job that pays more. Yeah, that seems like a good plan to me.

uhhhhhh

i have to go to work soon. Courtney, the new girl, and I are working today. I hate Saturdays at JMIKES. We're so busy...ugh I hope we're really slow today.

later,
-Casey

feel the waltz

So, we got our "tentative" schedules today in homeroom

I didn't sign up for Multimedia/Communication Technology, I signed up for FILM. Come to find out a junior got a spot in the class that I could have been in? I've been waiting all year to get into this class....I'm requesting a change fo' sho'.

Got paid today...nothing to brag about.
BUT, I applied at Barnes and Noble! It just seems like I would fit well in that kind of place. I mean I read, I drink coffee, I listen to music, I enjoy the quiet, I'm good with people, etc. Look how many times "I" was written in that sentence....shut up, casey.

i'm over it

-casey

my brain and tounge just met

the day was going FANTASTIC until trying to get out of the school this afternoon. I swear that parking lot guy isn't being fair...

Grayson is so fucked up. I mean, who builds the student parking lot farther from the exit than the bus lanes? That's retarded. It's just BEGGING for a wreck.

I'm a little bitter today.

I realized that someone who I've been sitting with in the mornings is as crazy about regina as I am. Probably a little less, bbbuuuutttt...idk, it's pretty cool. He mentioned 11:11 and I almost had a heart attack. You know how some people only know an artist BIG song? Well, not him. I'm glad, too. Now I don't look so crazy.


think i'll go play some piano...

-kc

the world that has made us can no longer contain us

You know when you're almost overwhelmed with happiness? That's how I feel right now.

We're making cupcakes right now for "teacher appreciation week". I'll probably end up only giving them to my friends, though.

Katie just got a job today. It's cool, really. She was pretty desperate. I'm thinking about quitting JMikes...the drama there is just retarded and unnecassary.

Current goal: Be more humble and grateful for my health, drink more water than Diet Coke, cut back on coffee (i'm down to one cup a day), and stop being so lazy.

uhhhhh, let me break it down for you.
spending time with friends and boyfriend + summer + one year closer to graduation = FINALLY



Grayson High School, it was a senior prank. CALM THE FUCK DOWN and let the anonymous group WALK. Did it really mess up anything that bad? Come on...

let's do this

-casey

"this is intennnnsseee"

thank you, God.

if you come around here

Things are better, but school still isn't any fun. I have two major projects due in a couple of weeks.

still need help,
kitchens.

Dulce et Decorum Est Pro Patria Mori

This is getting ridiculous. I can't control my emotions anymore. "The things that used to comfort me don't comfort me anymore."

It's hard to deal with when you can't find the source.

one by one

January 13, 2008

Things are at their breaking point for me. I always feel on edge these days. Mostly from being tired, I guess. First semester didn't go so well. Second semester isn't starting off too well. I'm hoping it's a phase, but I've been in this weird mood for the past couple of months. I'm not really moody or sad or anything, just bored. I want something to happen so bad. I hate waiting, it's the worst. I mean, I'll be 17 on Tuesday and have done NOTHING substantial. Vacation? It's surely in order. Spring Break. Maybe I'll invite maybe one or two friends and go somewhere. Here's the thing, though. Panama City Beach and getting completely shit-faced with a bunch of losers sparks no interest in me. Maybe I'll take the trip with only one person. I wish his parents would go for that. Probably not. What am I saying? My parents aren't going to go for that either. I wish I was 18.
I've been trying to figure out what is going on with me. I've lost interest in EVERYTHING school related. Even art and history, which I actually enjoyed learning. Actually, I've lost interest in just about everything. The hardest part about this is not knowing how to fix it. I have a vague idea about what MIGHT be causing it, but that seems like a problem that will never get fixed.
It's hormones. I bet that's it. It's always hormones.



help,
Casey